The Dark Goddess [5]

Reviews of my newly edited pieces would be greatly appreciated.

As predicted, vendors had already lined up to see what they had gleaned from the cargo ship. Jo was eager to show off their plunder. It was her job, it had always been, to get the merchants to pay the highest amount possible for the goods. A makeshift ramp had been set up on the starboard side and men were rolling barrels down the plank. Josette hurried down, quickly taking inventory before stepping up onto a crate and clearing her throat.

“Shall we begin?” She smiled warmly. Without waiting for anyone’s consent, Jo picked up a bolt of rich purple fabric. “Spanish silk, gentlemen! Already dyed for your convenience! The color is the top choice in women’s fashion these days! And those Spaniards have a unique silk not found anywhere else in the world! They actually harvest it from special Spanish silk spiders native to Spain! Four doubloons for a bolt! I also have blue, red, and silver silk!”

“I’ll take all you’ve got!” a clothier called out, not even bothering to haggle the price down. Jo smiled broadly as he placed a heavy bag of coins in the palm of her hand. Two sailors helped the man load up the six bolts of fabric into a cart as Josette moved onto the next item. The lid had been popped off the top of a barrel filled with fragrant spices.

Jo sifted the fine powder through her fingers, letting the sun catch the red color of the spice. She wasn’t much of a cook and the barrel wasn’t labeled, but that didn’t hinder Jo. “Do I have any innkeepers present? Well, listen up because this next item will make your food the talk of the town! A special blend of Spanish spices that will add a kick of flavor to any dish. And a little goes a long way, so this barrel will last you a long time. Two doubloons for the whole thing!”

Two innkeepers shouted out at the same time. “I’ll take it!”

Jo smiled as the two men gave each other menacing looks. Nothing like some friendly competition to liven things up. “Now I’m sure we could divide this barrel up evenly and I would charge you a sixteen pieces of eight each. But then your food would not be so unique.”

Their glares intensified and immediately the heavyset one cried out, “I’ll give you three gold pieces!”

Not to be outdone, the tall scrawny innkeeper puffed out his chest proudly. “I’ll give you four doubloons!”

The fat innkeeper was digging in his purse, and Jo could see his mind working. Were the spices really worth that much to him? “Come and smell this spice, dear sir.” She called to him.

She held up a handful of the spice to his nose and he inhaled deeply. Coughing, he wiped at his eyes. “God, but that stuff is strong!”

“Feel the texture, they grind it four times to make it this fine!” Jo dumped it into his pudgy hand, noting the curious expression on the thin innkeeper’s face.

“All I’ve got is four doubloons and two pieces of eight,” he mumbled.

Jo glanced at the other innkeeper to see if he had heard the offer. He was busy digging through his purse so Jo gave him a moment to offer something better. He shook his head sadly when he knew he had been outdone. “Sir,” she smiled at the innkeeper and he happily placed his money in the palm of her hand.

Jo was a skilled saleswoman and bartered off glass beads, cooking wares, one of the two Persian rugs, and what remained of the four crates of leather shoes. Some of the vendors tried to swindle her, thinking they could get low prices since she was a woman, but Jo knew better. Most of them left paying the fair price, if not more than what the item was worth. When all of the merchants had dispersed the only items that remained were the eight chickens, a Persian rug, and the crates of gold bars. Pegg and Jo agreed they would keep the chickens for their impending voyage and the rug could replace the one in Jo’s quarters. As Pegg divided up the money from the auction, Jo wondered what adventure awaited them in the Atlantic.

Jo assumed whatever the strange words meant, that it had something to do with treasure. But if that were the case, where had her Father found this fortune? When had he buried it there? It had to be before Pegg had joined her Father’s service and as far as Jo could remember Pegg had been around forever. So that meant that he had discovered these riches before Jo was born. Would it still be there after twenty years? What if someone else had found it? Why had her Father chosen the middle of the ocean as its hiding place?

Jo watched, slightly amused, as Pegg made the mathematical notations of everyone’s share in an account-log. Every sailor got a new pair of shoes, fifteen doubloons, and one of the gleaming gold bars. As Quarter Master, Pegg got a new pair of shoes as well as twenty doubloons and two gold bars. Jo had expected the men to protest when she received the largest share of the spoils. Surprisingly, not a single word of objection was heard when Jo received new shoes, the new rug, thirty doubloons, and three gold bars. As the men dispersed towards the town to spend their fortunes, Jo returned to her cabin.

Prudently, she placed her gold bars back into the weaponry closet along with the black chest and all of its contents. From her share of doubloons, Jo fished out just enough for a decent meal and a comfortable bed. The rest she stowed away in the closet and the locked the door. Jo was not surprised to see Pegg waiting for her out on the dock. However, the entourage that accompanied him was a sight for her eyes.

Gathered in a small cluster, talking amongst themselves, were six men. William, the tall, muscular Sailing Master; George, a portly man past his prime; Samuel, the carpenter; One-Eyed Freddie, with his pock-marked face and black eye patch; Heng, the mute, Chinese sailor; and Joshua, the African giant. William noticed Jo first and he cleared his throat to get his comrades attention.

Jo raised an eyebrow in question, sensing that these men had hung back for a reason. Especially by the way William was wringing his cap to death. “Well then,” Jo demanded, when everyone continued to stand there and stare at her, “what is the meaning of this?”

William cleared his throat again and Jo wondered why he got so incredibly fidgety around her. “We just wanted to let you know, that we, um, we will be serving this ship until,” He paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously, “until we die.”

Jo tilted her head. “You are all willing to serve under a female captain?” she questioned. Freddie’s presence was a bit unsettling. What had all of those glares and snide remarks been for, if he was among the reliable?

Every single man nodded his head or gave an assertive “Aye!” Jo fought the way her knees wobbled. She was very thankful to have at least the skeleton of a crew, but she would need a lot more than eight people to man a brig like the Dark Goddess. In fact, she would need at least twenty more sailors, a few cooks, five or six powder monkeys, and at least one striker. The task of finding recruits looked insurmountable. Jo didn’t want to resort to kidnapping, but it was starting to look like the most promising prospect.

Exhausted and hungry, Jo shrugged it off. She would deal with that problem tomorrow after she had a full stomach and a good night’s rest. “I am sure you are all as hungry as I am, so why don’t we be off? I heard the Three Horseshoes has good fare.”

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User avatar
KJ
Review
KJ wrote a review · Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:27 pm

Decided to edit another chapter today. Also, I’ve pointed out where you’re missing commas, instead of just telling you you’re missing them. Thought it would be more helpful.


As predicted merchants had already lined up to see what they had gleaned from the cargo ship.

Comma after merchants.


It was her job, always had been, to get the merchants to pay the highest amount possible for the goods.

Missing words here. Should read as it had always been.


Without waiting for anyone’s consent Jo picked up a bolt of rich purple fabric.

Comma after cosent.


This color is all the rage in women’s fashion these days!

Too modern a phrase.


“I’ll take all you’ve got!” A clothier called out not even bothering to haggle the price down.

No need to capitalize A, and comma after out.


She wasn’t much of a cook and the barrel wasn’t labeled but that didn’t hinder Jo.

Commas after cook and labeled.


Not to be outdone, the tall scrawny innkeeper puffed out his chest proudly, “I’ll give you four doubloons!”

Not so sure about the comma after proudly. I would use a period instead


The fat innkeeper was digging in his purse, and Josette could see his mind working.

I let it go with a shrug a couple times, but I can’t help but notice that you’ve called the MC Jo up until now. Why the name change? Keep it consistent for the reader.


“God but that stuff is strong!”
Comma after God.


Josette was a skilled saleswoman, bartering off glass beads, cooking wares, one of the two Persian rugs, and what remained of the four crates of leather shoes.

I would do and bartered instead of bartering.


And the one question that kept demanding an answer, why had her Father chosen the middle of the ocean as its hiding place?

Colon instead of comma here.


Jo watched slightly amused as Pegg made the mathematical notations of everyone’s share in an account-log.

Commas after watched and amused.


Surprisingly, not a single word of protest was heard when Jo received new shoes, a new rug, thirty doubloons, and three gold bars.
Why not? If you explain this later, fine, but if not you should tell the reader why this is now


As the men dispersed towards the town to spend their fortunes Jo returned to her cabin.

Comma after fortunes.


From her share of doubloons Jo fished out just enough for a decent meal and a comfortable bed.

Comma after doubloons.


The rest she stowed away in the closet and the locked the door
.
A comma would be preferable here but you can get by without one, I think.


Gathered in a small cluster, talking amongst themselves were six men.

Comma after themselves.


“Well then,” Jo demanded when everyone continued to stand there and stare at her, “what is the meaning of this?”

Again, comma would be good but can get away not having one


“You are all willing to serve under a female captain?” She questioned.

No need for capital S. Also, aren’t they already serving under a female captain?


What had all of those glares and snide remarks been for if he was among the reliable?

Comma after for.


Every single man nodded his head or gave an assertive “Aye!”
Who said this? Make clearer. Also, insert new paragraph.


In fact she would need at least twenty more sailors, a few cooks, five or six powder monkeys, and at least one striker.

Comma after fact.


Just wanted to say how much I enjoy the historic details. It seems like you’ve put some research into this. Overall, as a chapter, I didn’t get bored, and I didn’t skim, so that must be a plus, right? Sometimes I do glance over the words, just because the piece has lost my interest. But not this time. Good work

User avatar
Rubric
Review
Rubric wrote a review · Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:41 am

As Pegg divided up the money derived from the auction


*derived* is grammatically correct, but doesn't flow well in the sentence, doesn't fit well with your diction. You could replace it with "earned" "won" "taken" or just let it flow from money to from without a joining word.

As Quarter Master, Pegg


Is it quarter-master?

if he was among the reliable?


again, reliable is a word that is logically sound, but could be replaced by a word more fitting. You've already used the word "loyal" in an earlier description, but it would fit here.

Every single man nodded his


"Each of the men" sounds better, but doesn't emphasise the unified, yet individual, loyalty of the men. Either is good, I just eant to make sure you're aware of the choice.

The task of finding recruits looked dismal

"dismal" is a negative word associated with value. I think you need to replace "task" with "hope", thus quantifying the hope, or replace dismal with "overwhelming" "insurmountable" "impossible", or at the very least, "unlikely"

Jo didn’t want to resort to kidnapping, but it was starting to look like the most promising prospect.


Awesome. Great to see this in a pirate story.


Well done (I'm ploughing through :P)



we went from advice to meth real quick
— ShadowVyper